Worst jokes

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

- Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The Top Old Fart Games:

10. Musical Recliners
11. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
12. Hide and Go Pee
13. Simon Says something Incoherent
14. Doc, Doc Goose
15. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
16. Kick the Bucket
17. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
18. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
19. Sag, You're It

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

- I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive - says the beaming boy to the his dad.

- Nope - comes dad's reply - I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She yells:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!?!

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik:

- So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began:

- They accuse me of intervening in Angola...

and a man going through the audience called out:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro went on:

- They say I'm intervening in Mozambique...

and the same loud voice shouted:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued:

- They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua...

and the voice yelled again:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered:

- Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami.

And everybody in the audience started shouting:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

- 10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

- 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

- 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

- 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

- What if one's penis is self employed?

- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?

- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:

- She choked.

A man goes to the confessional and begins:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- What is your sin, my son? - the priest asks back.

- Well - the man starts - I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

- When did you use this awful language? - asks the priest.

- I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

- Is that when you swore?

- No, Father - says the man.

- After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

- Is THAT when you swore? - asks the Father again.

- Well, no - says the man.

- You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

- Is THAT when you swore? - asks the amazed Priest.

- No, not yet - the man replies.

- As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

- Did you swear THEN? - asks the now impatient Priest.

- No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

The Priest sighs:

- You missed the putt, didn't you?!?