Worst jokes

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says:

- Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!

Everyone gets all excited and chants:

- We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying:

- Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks:

- Do you have a question to ask me, young man?

Dopey looks up shyly and says:

- Well, yes.

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks:

- Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?

The Pope replies:

- Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting:

- Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues:

- Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?

To which the Pope replies:

- Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying:

- Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!

The Pope asks Dopey:

- Is there still more to your question?

To which Dopey replies:

- Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?

The startled Pope replies:

- Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling...

- Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

- Since we installed our new satellite navigation system - bragged one - we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent.

- Not bad - the second paramedic commented - But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we cut our average time by 20 percent.

- That's nothing - said the third paramedic - Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.

They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:

- Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly - to which the waiteress replied:

- Bur-ger Ki-ng

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said:

- I was just being the Ring Bear!

Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts.

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

- Yes - he said. - I do. My father taught me.

- Good. What comes after three.

- Four - answers the boy.

- What comes after six?

- Seven.

- Very good - says the teacher. - Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

- A Jack.

Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint.

- sorry - said the barman - we don't serve pieces of string in here - and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.

Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.

- Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out? - asked the barman.

- No - replied the string - I'm a frayed not!

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

- I'm blessing it - the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.