- Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.
- Johnson: Montreal! Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!
- Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
- Johnson: Without missing a beat replies:
- No kidding! What position does she play?
Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
- You rotten bastard! - yelled the husband...
- I'm going to kill you!
- Wait! - said Mrs. Jones.
- You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims:
- For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!
Confucious say...
All who fly upside-down have crack up.
He who stand on toilet high on pot.
He who shits brick has square hole.
Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said:
- It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer.
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said:
- Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?
He said:
- Why,... Yes I am!
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered:
- Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!
Generic Drug Names: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.
So what's the generic name for viagra?
→ Mydixadroopin
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender:
- I have to go home or the wife will be mad.
(at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said:
- I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says:
- I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said:
- you were out drinking again last night weren't you!
The man replied with:
- NO WAY!
And the wife said:
- YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!
Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...
→ A naked blonde doing cartwheels!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is usually right.
Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.
Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.
A fool and his money will soon be partying.
Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'
Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."
Death to all fanatics!!
Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...
Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet engines
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her:
- How many children do you have?
- Ten - she replied.
- What are their names? - he asked.
- LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy - she answered.
- They're all named LeRoy? - he asked
- What if you want them to come in from playing outside?
- Oh, that's easy - she said.
- I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.
- And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?
- I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner' - she answered.
- But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? - he asked.
- Oh, that's easy - she said.
- I just use their last name!
