Worst jokes

Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin--January 1st 2000 or 2001.

So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year "1" and ends with year "100" - thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.

To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.

Each boy correctly answered:

- 15.

His next question was:

- Now which berry is number '0'?

To which one boy blurted out:

- The one that isn't there!

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"

"No problem," the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!! The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?

It's a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.

First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
→ A 12-pack of beer!

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TOMOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton." RIP, Fred.

This just in: A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated - "I want to leave no tern unstoned"

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.

We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.

"In fact," he said, "This tree's bark is worse than its blight!"

Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit, found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.

Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his native land.

Why didn't the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?

"Very simple,... As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail."

A gorilla was walking thru' a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, "Who's the king of the jungle?", and the deer replied, "Oh, you are, Master." The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared, "Who's the king of the jungle?", of course, the zebra replied, "You are, master." The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. "Who's the king of the jungle?", he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, "Ok, ok, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!"

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.

- Waiter: What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- Patron: This is potato soup.

- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

• Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
• Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
• Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00