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The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.

One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.

- Well, my son - the chief replied.

- When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.

For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say:

- you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.

- And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say:

- you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.

- So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

- MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me! - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.

- You're right! - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey!

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DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

  • You make the bed ... 1
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
  • You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ... 0
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ... -2
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ... 0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ... 5
  • You pummel it with a six iron ... 10

Social Engagements

  • You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ... -2
  • Named Tiffany ... -4
  • Tiffany is a dancer ... -6
  • Tiffany has implants ... -8

Her Birthday

  • You take her out to dinner ... 0
  • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ... 1
  • Okay, it is a sports bar ... -2
  • And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
  • It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ... -10

Thoughtfulness

  • You forget her birthday completely ... -20
  • You forget your anniversary ... -30
  • You forget to pick her up at the bus station ... -45
  • Which is in Newark, New Jersey ... -50
  • And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ... -60

A Night Out

  • You take her to a movie ... 2
  • You take her to a movie she likes ... 4
  • You take her to a movie you hate ... 6
  • You take her to a movie you like ... -2
  • It's called DeathCop3 ... -3
  • Which features cyborgs having sex ... -9
  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15

Flowers

  • You buy her flowers only when it's expected ... 0
  • You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ... 20
  • You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ... 30
  • And she contracts Lyme disease ... -25

Your Physique

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly ... -15
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ... 1
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
  • You say "I don't care because you have one too" ... -800

Finances

  • You spend a lot of money on something impractical ... -5
  • Something she can't use ... -10
  • Such as a motorized model airplane ... -20
  • And she got a small appliance for her birthday ... -40

Driving

  • You lost the directions on a trip ... -4
  • You lost the directions and end up getting lost ... -10
  • You don't stop to ask directions ... 0
  • You stop and ask for directions ... 25
  • You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ... -15
  • You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ... -25
  • You know them ... -60

The Big Question

  • She asks, "Do I look fat?" ... -5
    (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
  • You hesitate in responding ... -10
  • You reply, "Where?" ... -35

Communication

  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ... 0
  • When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ... 5
  • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ... 10
  • She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ... -20
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

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