Worst jokes

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:

- Next!

He asks the first nun:

- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased:

- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...

St. Peter says:

- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!

So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun:

- Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed:

- Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...

- Not to worry! - laughs St. Peter.

- Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!

So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun:

- Have you ever come in cont...

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts:

- Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

- Be patient, child, you'll have your turn - says St. Peter.

He turns to the third one again:

- Now, have you ever come in contact with...

- Mr. PETER!!!! - The fourth one screams.

- I REALLY have to go first.

- I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

- NO WAY! - the fourth one says, practically fuming.

- I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

- No thank you - she said politely.

- This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.

- That must be rather difficult - the man replied.

- Oh, I don't mind too much - she said.

- But, it has my husband pretty upset.

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells:

- Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?

The panda bear answers calmlly:

- I'm a panda bear.

The bartender says:

- Yeah, so?

The panda bear replies:

- Look it up, and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says:

- Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
→ Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It don't matter what you call him, he ain't commin'!

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied:

- There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said:

- I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said:

- I got one... Secret.

The bartender said:

- Why Secret?

Joe said:

- Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane.

All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash!

There was only one parachute and a flashlight.

The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond:

- Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute.

The blond looked at her sceptically and said:

- Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down you're gonna turn it off!

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded:

- I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

- Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?

The woman replied:

- Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied:

- Ma'am... that's your air freshener!