Things you wouldn't know without the tube. All of life's mysteries are on TV:
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
- People of TV never finish their drinks.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- The chief of police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- All single women have a cat.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying:
- Hello?, Hello?
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
