Gender Jokes — best jokes

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
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Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: Caustic
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker means: Lush
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel means: If you're paying
Loves Animals means: Cat lady
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded means: Desperate
Outgoing means: Loud
Passionate means: Loud
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable means: Frumpy
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed means: Jobless
Smart means: Insipid
Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult
Stable means: Boring
Tall, thin means: Anorexic
Tan means: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged means: first husband to death
Writer means: Pompous
Young at heart means: How about the rest

Argument (ar·gyou·ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er·hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar·bi·q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant·e·lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri·yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy·it so·da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e·ter·ni·tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex·er·siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow·ser·ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres·er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard·war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child·brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip·stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa·shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah·tr·pruf mas·kar·ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val·en·tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Why are women such bad drivers?
→ Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"