Drunks — best jokes

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

There was a young Scotsman called Andy,Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.

He lifted his kilt,To wipe up what he spilt,And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!"

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:IndubitablyInnovativePreliminaryProliferationCinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:SpecificityBritish ConstitutionPassive-aggressive disorderLoquacious TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:Thanks, but I don't want to have sexNope, no more booze for meSorry, but you're not really my typeGood evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."

Sent by JC

Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! Buford: The hell you don't!

Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink...

I get drunk...

I fall down. No problem!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriendentwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" thebartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."

"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"