Random joke from this category
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:
- Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?
The man gets really indignant and says:
- Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.
Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read:
- I spit in my beer.
When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer:
- I spit in your beer, too!
There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went.
- Guy 1: Yah.. I'm originally from Dublin, Ireland
- Guy 2: REally?! Me too!
- Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.
- Guy 2: I did too! What year did you graduate?
- Guy 1: 1988!
- Guy 2: Same here!
A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.
The bar tender replied:
- Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again.
Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Denver and goes to the bartender:
- Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!
And the bartender is like:
- Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here!
And the man is like:
- But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!! See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!
And the bartender says:
- Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!
And the man replies:
- No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
- I couldn't help noticing how happy you look - she said.
- What's your secret for a long happy life?
- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day - he said.
- I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.
- That's amazing - the woman said.
- How old are you?
- Twenty-six - he said.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
