Situations — best jokes

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

- No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

- I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

- How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

- No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

- Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

- No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

- Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.

- I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.

- I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

- Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

The top bad excuses for speeding:

- "This is my tryout for Nascar."

- "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."

- "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"

- "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."

- "Cause those Gorditas rule."

- "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."

- "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."

- "Umm.. I'm drunk?"

- "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

- "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."

- "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."

- "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."

- "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."

- There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

- "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"

- "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."

- "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

- "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."

- "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

Top things you should not say at a funeral:

- Geez, what died in here?

- He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

- Nice service...where's the keg?

- When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

- Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.

- Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

- You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

- Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

The Top 10 signs you're flying on a bad airline:

- The engine's being held on by duct tape.

- You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

- In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.

- Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.

- Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

- As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".

- The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

- The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!

- Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

- You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

- Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

- You may not drive barefooted.

- It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

- It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

- Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

- Masks may not be worn in public.

- Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

- Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

- Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

- It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

- Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

- Incestous marriages are legal.

- It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

- You must have windshield wipers on your car.

- You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

- Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

- Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

- Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

- Mobile: It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

- Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

- Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

- You may not drive barefooted.

- It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

- It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

- Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

- Masks may not be worn in public.

- Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

- Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

- Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

- It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

- Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

- Incestous marriages are legal.

- It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

- You must have windshield wipers on your car.

- You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

- You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

- It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

- It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

- It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

- It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

- It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

- In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

- While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

- It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

- It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist. -Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

- Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

- You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

- Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

- There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

- When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

- Hunting camels is prohibited.

- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

- It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

- Cars may not be driven in reverse.

- Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

- If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

- No more than six girls may live in any house.

- It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

- A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

- An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

- No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

- Women may not wear pants.

- It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

- A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

- Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

- The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

- Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw".

- A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

- Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

- It is illegal to kill "any living creature".

- It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

- No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

- Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.