Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

- Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.

- Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.

- Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.

- Employer: More than we can use already.

- Applicant: As he is getting desperate:

- I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor.

- Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.

- Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells:

- work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!

- Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant:

- Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The accountant didn't answer.

The Godfather asked again:

- Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The attorney interrupted:

- Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.

The Godfather said:

- Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back:

- I don't know what you're talking about.

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather:

- He doesn't know what you're talking about.

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said:

- Ask him again where the @#!* money is!

The attorney signed to the accountant:

- He wants to know where it is!

The accountant signed back:

- Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!

The Godfather asked:

- Well, what did he say?

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather:

- He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said:

- No refunds.

The guy shook his head, and said:

- No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:

- Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

- Of course not, dear - replied the mother. - Why would you think that?

- The tombstone back there said: 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'

What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
→ Odour in court!

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.

- Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings - said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter:

- Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said:

- True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said:

- Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly:

- Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.