Golf Jokes — best jokes

What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
→ When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.
Oxymoron: an easy par three.
A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.
Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.
Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.
Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.
In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.
Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.

Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro replied, "Loft."

The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.

The pro again answered, "Loft."

The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

Again, "Loft."

As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.

"All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?"

The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!"

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.

"Hi honey," replied the man.

"I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?"

The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?"

"Oh yes," replied the woman.

"Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man.

The woman continued, "Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"

The man thought a little harder and said, "If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."

The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?"

The man got a frown on his face and said, "See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."

The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"

"Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!" said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

- Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?

- Caddy: Eventually.

- Golfer: That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.

- Caddy: It's a long time since we started, sir.

- Golfer: This golf is a funny game.

- Caddy: It's not supposed to be.

- Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

- Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!