Random joke from this category
The five most constipated people in the Bible:
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
- SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
- SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
- SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
- SM: It's not working.
- SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
- SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
- SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
- SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
- SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
- SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
- SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
- SM: And?
- SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
- SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
- SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
- SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
- SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
→ They both have balls just for decoration.
Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
→ You get repossessed!
