Science — best jokes

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said:

- Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger:

- What would you like to discuss?

- Oh, I don't know - said the stranger.

- How about nuclear power?

- OK - said Little Johnny.

- That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

- Jeez - said the stranger.

- I have no idea.

- Well, then - said Little Johnny.

- How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?
→ Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation?
→ I mist you.

What are the hottest days during summer?
→ Sun-days

What did the tornado say to the car?
→ 'You wanna go for a spin?'

What is hail?
→ Hard boiled rain!

What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
→ One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
→ I have my eye on you.