How Cold Is Cold
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- 60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
- 50: Miami residents turn on the heat
- 40: You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
- 35: Italian cars don't start
- 32: Water freezes
- 30: You plan your vacation to Australia
- 25: Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
- 20: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
- 15: French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
- 10: You need jumper cables to get the car going
- 5: American cars don't start
- 0: Alaskans put on T-shirts
- -10: German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
- -15: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
- -20: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
- -25: Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
- -30: You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
- -40: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
- -50: Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
- -80: Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
- -90: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
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