Relationships — worst jokes

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband... "I'm going to kill you!"

"Wait!" said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims...

"For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

You might be a redneck when you say ho-down and your girlfriend hits the ground.

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

• You make the bed ... 1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
• You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ... 0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ... -2
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ... 5
• You pummel it with a six iron ... 10

Social Engagements

• You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ... -2
• Named Tiffany ... -4
• Tiffany is a dancer ... -6
• Tiffany has implants ... -8

Her Birthday

• You take her out to dinner ... 0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ... 1
• Okay, it is a sports bar ... -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ... -10

Thoughtfulness

• You forget her birthday completely ... -20
• You forget your anniversary ... -30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station ... -45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey ... -50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ... -60

A Night Out

• You take her to a movie ... 2
• You take her to a movie she likes ... 4
• You take her to a movie you hate ... 6
• You take her to a movie you like ... -2
• It's called DeathCop3 ... -3
• Which features cyborgs having sex ... -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15

Flowers

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected ... 0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ... 20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ... 30
• And she contracts Lyme disease ... -25

Your Physique

• You develop a noticeable potbelly ... -15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ... 1
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" ... -800

Finances

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical ... -5
• Something she can't use ... -10
• Such as a motorized model airplane ... -20
• And she got a small appliance for her birthday ... -40

Driving

• You lost the directions on a trip ... -4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost ... -10
• You don't stop to ask directions ... 0
• You stop and ask for directions ... 25
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ... -15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ... -25
• You know them ... -60

The Big Question

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" ... -5
  (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding ... -10
• You reply, "Where?" ... -35

Communication

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ... 0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ... 5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ... 10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ... -20

A man and a woman are in an elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops and the fire alarm goes off.

The woman starts to have a break down and say to the man, "I wish I could feel like a woman one last time."

The man automatically rips his shirt off throws it to the floor and says, "now fold it"!

• The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word.
• Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?
• I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
• Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.
• Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

I Still Miss My Ex..

But My Aim Is Getting Better!

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.