Relationships — worst jokes

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says: "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
→ If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says; "ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!"

Wee jordy says "aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?"

Well she says "i can tell by the gleam in your eye."

Walking along a bit further she says to him "wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss."

"well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?"

"ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!"

Walking along a bit further she says "wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me." He says, "aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!"

"No!" she says... "by the tilt in your kilt!"

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?"

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone ever did?"

"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea!!!"