Relationships — worst jokes

"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
→ Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
→ Really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
→ Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
→ Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
→ Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
→ Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
→ Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
→ Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
→ Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
→ Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
→ Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
→ Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
→ Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
→ Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
→ Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
→ Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
→ Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
→ Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
→ Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
→ Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
→ Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
→ Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
→ Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
→ Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
→ Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
→ Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
→ Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
→ Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
→ Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
→ Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
→ Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
→ Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
→ Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
→ Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
→ Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
→ Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
→ Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
→ Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
→ Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
→ Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
→ Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
→ Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
→ Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
→ Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
→ Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
→ Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
→ Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
→ Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
→ Really means "She dumped me."

25 rules for Women to follow:

1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"

"Well, er, yes --- but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"

"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."

"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."

"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole.

"The third time was..." Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"

OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)

John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said "OK".

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home. "OK," said the man. "And you may give her my silver." "OK," said he. "You will also give her my jewelry." "OK," said the man. "And you will also give her my dresses," said the woman. "This will not be possible," answered the man, "you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10."

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy!" said the girl.

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny.

"How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Dear Sister,

This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females. Unlike other chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to 5 of your friends who are equally tired and discontented, then bundle up your husband/boyfriend.

Send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain.

One woman broke the chain and got her own bastard back.

At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men.

They buried her yesterday, but it took 3 undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and 3 days to get her legs together to close the coffin.

Have faith!

Liberated woman...

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.