Relationships — worst jokes

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Bill replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. "So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Bill shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
→ "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
→ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
→ "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
→ "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
→ "You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means....
→ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
→ "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
→ "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
→ "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
→ "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means....
→ "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means....
→ "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means....
→ "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
→ "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
→ "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
→ "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
→ "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.

The Man's Guide To Female English

• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Answer To "What's Wrong?"

• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = PMS again
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain
• I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

The Women's Guide To Men's English

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.
• "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.

If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

• If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
• Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
• ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
• Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
• Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
• A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
• Check your oil.
• Don't give us rules.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth!"

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!