Political Jokes — worst jokes

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....
Kill A Kennedy...."

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
→ One more bullet.
→ A season lift pass.

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full."

"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."

"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"

"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."

"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."

The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."

"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."

He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."

She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy."

Again he says it's a good idea and he does.

A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still don't think I've done enough."

This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

Shortest Book of the Month: Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

What it all boils down to

criminals
Democrats: Give them a second chance
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the poor
Democrats: Give them some food
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

endangered species
Democrats: give them protection
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

dictators
Democrats: give them a way out
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the uninsured
Democrats: Give them some health care
Republicans: Given them the swift sword of death

the cost
Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)

A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?"
→ "She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.