Random joke from this category
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."
"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."
Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politically correct?
Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!
Average Iraqi: Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American: Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park
Average Iraqi: Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American: Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi: Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American: Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi: Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West
Average American: Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies
Average Iraqi: Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American: Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die
Average Iraqi: Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest
Average American: Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip
Average Iraqi: Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius
Average American: Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
"I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.
Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush.
Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says...
Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says...
Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if George W. Bush says...
Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush...
Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush
Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if John Kerry says...
Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry...
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
