Political Jokes — worst jokes

Very Short Books...

1. Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2. Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3. Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4. Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5. Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6. Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7. Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8. Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9. Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10. GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11. GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12. Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13. Human Rights organizations in Libya
14. Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15. Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16. Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17. Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18. Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19. Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20. Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21. Famous Hillbilly Physics
22. Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23. Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24. Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25. Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
26. How to start you own part time Hospital from home
27. Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28. E-mail address directory for the homeless
29. All Night Libyan Moshe pits
30. List of Fine Wines from Iran

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation...
I can find it myself.

Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
→ Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me....
  "We are all individuals."
• Death to all fanatics!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts....
  On the last Geraldo.
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally....

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)

John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".

What's long, black, and smells funny?
→ The Welfare LINE!

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan

Great Moments In Political Debates

- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.

- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Foreign Goofs

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" -- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." -- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." -- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

Miscellaneous

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

• Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
• Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
• Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
• Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
• Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
• Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
• Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
• Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
• Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
• Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
• Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
• Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
• German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
• Candain-American Speak -- EH?onics
• Florida Democratic Voters Speak -- Moronics