Political Jokes — worst jokes

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Money burns a hole in my pocket...how about yours?
Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
Money is the root of all bills.
Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love.
Money Talks - and it usually says NO!!
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
This country has the best politicians money can buy.
Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of....
Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C.
When money talks, it usually says "Bend over."
You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
Alimony? ...sounds kind like all yer money
No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
14. Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

ATTENTION:
All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.
2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).
3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.
4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.
5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollar's worth at a time requires too many gas stops.
6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they don't feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.
7. Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we don't want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs... just making a hell of a mess.
8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't want to set him off.
9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, don't say "stump juice". Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).
10. And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick, "It's time for change!" As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.

Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.

Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.

Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

Insensitive Term - Preferred Term

ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid

• Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
• Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)
• Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)
• Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)
• White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined
• WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER

(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

• Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian
• Girl-Pre-Womyn
• Housewife-Domestic Engineer
• Fireman-Firefighter
• Stewardess-Flight Attendant
• Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
• Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person
• Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber
• Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
• Mankind/Human-Earth Children
• Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable
• Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive
• Deaf-Visually Oriented
• Poor-Economically Unprepared
• Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner
• Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher
• Whaler-Blubber Lovers
• Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced
• Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
• Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged
• Bald-Comb-Free
• Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential
• Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged
• Convict-Socially Separated
• Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers
• Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
• Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist
• Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer
• Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged
• Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family
• HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction
• Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"
• Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's Victim
• Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
• Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
• Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
• Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury
• Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty
• Used Books-Recycled Books
• Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units
• Gang-Youth Group
• Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
• Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged
• Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's

OLD -- NEW

• conservative -- reactionary
• the establishment -- white power elite
• hearing person -- temporarily aurally abled
• sighted person -- temporarily visually abled
• blind -- visually challenged
• mute -- vocally challenged
• deaf -- aurally challenged
• dead -- metabolically different
• alive -- temporarily metabolically abled
• ugly -- aesthetically challenged
• fat -- gravitationally challenged
• heavy-set -- people of mass
• rude -- politically correct
• psychopath -- socially misaligned
• crooked -- ethically challenged
• klutzy -- kinesthetically challenged
• bald -- follicularly challenged
• short -- differently statured
• non-white, non-male oppressed -- white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
• white male -- oppressor
• black -- african-american
• asian -- asian-american
• afro-american -- african-american
• minority group -- numerically challenged group; under-represented population
• black -- person of color
• Chicano -- person of color
• weird green freak -- person of color
• female -- person of gender
• drooling drunk idiot -- person on floor
• group of blacks -- Under-Represented population of persons of color
• Group of Whites -- L.A.P.D.
• woman -- womyn
• women -- wymin
• girl -- pre-womyn
• man -- oppressor
• boy -- oppressor-to-be
• pregnancy -- parasitic oppression
• janitor -- sanitation engineer
• disabled car -- mechanically challenged car
• dish washer -- utensil sanitizer
• dairy -- where cows are raped
• ranch -- where cattle are murdered
• egg ranch -- where hens are raped
• biology department -- where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies
• fishing -- raping the oceans
• farming -- exploiting mother earth
• nhl hockey -- uniformed fascists vying for superiority
• paper bag -- processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80's/90's

• deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
• blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
• retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
• queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
• fat/big boned/alternative body image

Definitions of A Diplomat:

• Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
• Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
• Can always make himself misunderstood.
• Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
• Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
• Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
• Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
• Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
• Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
• Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
• Can make nothing sound like something.
• Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
• Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
• Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
• Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
• Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
• Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
• Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
• Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
• Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
• Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
• Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
• Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
• Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
• Will approach every question with an open mouth.
• Will lay down your life for his country.
• Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??

Libertarians are anarchists with money.

Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.

Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.

Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.

Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.

A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.

Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.

Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.

Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.

Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.

Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. "Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock". Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. "Where's the clock sir?", she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. "That's not a clock Mr. Clinton !", she exclaimed.

"It will be", he replied, "Once you put two hands and a face on it !".