Political Jokes — worst jokes

What's the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:

"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity. And...
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States"

"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer

Washington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries."

Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live."

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist."

The doctor asks, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!"

My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said, "NO! Then he would be the president of United States"

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!