Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

- What's wrong with you? - she asked him.

- Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? - he replied.

- And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.

Baffled, she said:

- yes, I remember. So?

- Well...

- I would have gotten out today!

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals:

- Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!

Finally a store clerk approached.

- Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

- Oh - replied the old guy - I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.

- Your wife is named Crisco?

- Nah - he answered - I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.

- Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

- Lard Ass!

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child:

- Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked:

- Have you been fooling around on me?!

The wife just smiled sweetly and said:

- Not this time.

- Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.

- Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!

- Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.

- Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?

- It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.

- And what does your present husband do for a living?

- He's a mortician.

- A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?

- Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...

One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... And four to go!

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said:

- Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said:

- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!

Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:

- My husbands home! My husband's home!

What a gal I married!

And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

- What are you doing? - asked his bride.

"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"

The wife says:

- Tiger wouldn't do that.

- Really! Just what would TIGER do? - says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!

- NO - says the exhausted hubby!

- Well who are you calling then - she asks.

I'm calling Tiger Woods...

I want to see what par is for this hole!