Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.

The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

She said:

- Well.. each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

- And what about the thousand pound? - asked the old man.

- Well... - Replies the woman - Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

- Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

- Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

- Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

- Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife:

- Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

- Honey - the woman replied sweetly - I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!

- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

- How was your blind date? - a college student asked her roommate.

- Terrible! - the roommate answered. He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.

- Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?

- He was the original owner!

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

- Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

- Returned un-opened.

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

- My father grows beans - said one student.

- My father cooks beans - said another.

- Then little Johnny spoke up: We are all human beans.

- Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

- Little Johnny: "He gets stepped on."

- Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

- Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

- Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

- Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
→ Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

- Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

- I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

- Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

- That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

- I'm number four.....

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning.

- I want you to begin divorce proceedings - she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said:

- Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said:

- We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.

- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.

- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.

- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?

- Please don't make me tell you, mamma - wept the daughter.

- I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride replied:

- Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says:

- What are you doing?

She answers:

- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies:

- I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

- I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!