Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.

Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

- You must be quite a man.

He responded:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse then said:

- Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife:

- Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said:

- Yes, 3 times.

- Three times!? how did it happen? - he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"

- It is hard to believe - he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued:

- And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?

"Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"

- Yes - he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But tell me, what was the third time?

She responded:

- Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

- Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? - says the bartender.

- Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

- Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

- If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

- I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!

- Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?

- Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...

BAD DOG!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion:

- What seems to be the problem?

The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband:

- Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

The husband scratched his head and replied...

- I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly:

- Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk ?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:

- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

- And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time...

- I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her:

- you have the nicest breasts.

She says:

- thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.

He replies:

- I would pay you $10 just to see one of them.

She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says:

- Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....

- I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says:

- your best friend just stopped by.

He answers:

- Great did he leave the $20 he owed me