Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:

- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?

- Sure it does - he said.

- How else can I can see the numbers!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...

- Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?

- Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

- I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead

- Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat

- Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton

- Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt

- Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control

- If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees

- If You Can Read This...

Kiss A Teecher

- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

- If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There

- Procrastinate Now

- Rehab Is for Quitters

- (Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man

- My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse

- The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

- It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

- Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse" (woo-hoo!...that was terrible! :)

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

- Yes, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know! - he replied.

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:

- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

- My goodness! - the woman exclaimed - sounds like leasing a new sports car!

- Humm - the doctor murmured - too obvious, huh?

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says:

- Honey, look what I won at bingo.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says:

- Honey look what I won at bingo.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says:

- Honey, look what I won at bingo.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks:

- Honey shall I draw you a bath?

To which she replies:

- Why sure.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks:

- how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?

To which the husband replies:

- I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet!

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

- Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton.

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

- Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!