Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter:

- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:

- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter:

- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:

- Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.

- And how will you live?

- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:

- And what if little ones come along?

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- we've been lucky so far!

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says:

- Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.

- What do you mean! - The guy says.

- Can't you tell the difference?

Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks:

- If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?

The first lady thinks for a minute and says:

- Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says:

- 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says:

- Jack Daniels.

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say:

- Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.

The third lady says:

- Yep, thats my Larry!

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud:

- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.

The clerk behind the counter said:

- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.

- Really?

- Yes sir...they're called bullets!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house.

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

- I want the kids too.

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says:

- I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says:

- Is there anything you want?

The husband says:

- No, I've got everything I need right here.

She asks:

- What's that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph...:

- I've got the airbag!

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said:

- My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!

The second guy says:

- That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!

- She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?

- Easy...

Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court - said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no, no! - said the man.

- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"