Drunks — worst jokes

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."

After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!"

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.

She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rollsaround, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. Thedrunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool ofvomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.

Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that issitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!

Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone togather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After hefinishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on mybar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

Sent by Paul

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go.

"Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."