Doctor Jokes — worst jokes

Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?
→ The tomato was in a can.

"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite, haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!"

- Doctor: Good news, you passed your hearing test!

- Patient: HUH

- Jack: My brother was sick and went to the doctor.

- John: Is he feeling better now?

- Jack: No, he has a broken arm.

- John: How did he break it?

- Jack: Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.

- John: How did he break his arm?

- Jack: He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.

- The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?

- Doctor: Yes, that is true.

- P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?

- D: Yes, that is also true.

- P: So, in average, I live normally.

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?"
The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."
One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?"

- Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he's a computer.

- Well bring him in so I can cure him.

- I can't, I need to use him to finish my homework.

- Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?

- Why?

- Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."