Random joke from this category
Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...
- She: Get off of me, will ya!!
- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
- No thanks - the girl says.
- You know I don't smoke.
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says:
- I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
The Polak answers:
- The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!
Why don't polish women use vibrators?
→ It chips their teeth.
Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.
Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.
What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!
You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.
Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.
How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)
Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.
How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.
HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!
How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!
What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.
How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.
What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.
Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.
What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.
How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.
Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.
Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.
How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.
Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!
What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.
Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
Ting-a-ling
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
Ting-a-ling
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
Ting-a-ling
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked:
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic syphilis, Sir.
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.
- What's your ambition?
- To get back to the front, Sir.
- Good man - said the Major.
He went to the next bed:
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic piles, Sir.
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.
- What's your ambition?
- To get back to the front, Sir.
- Good man - barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed:
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic gum disease, Sir
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.
- What's your ambition?
- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!
The Perfect Day According To:
HER
- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
- 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
- 9:30 Light breakfast
- 11:00 Sunbathe
- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
- 1:45 Shopping
- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
- 10:00 Make love
- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
- 10:00 Wake up
- 10:02 Oral sex
- 10:10 Big Breakfast
- 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
- 2:15 Enormous lunch
- 3:15 Oral sex
- 3:25 Play sports with the guys
- 4:30 Drink beer with the guys
- 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
- 6:40 Oral sex
- 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
- 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
- 11:10 Sleep
So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
