Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady:

- There ain't hardly no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked:

- What do you mean by that?

- Well - the first lady said - When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!

- Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

- Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

- Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

- Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

- Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.

- Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.

- Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

- Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.

- Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."

- Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)

- Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

- Carlsbad, New Mexico: It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

- Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

- Cleveland, Ohio: Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."

- Tremont, Utah: No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks:

- What do you like best about it?

- The artwork - says Robert.

- Very good. And you, Peter?

- Tits!

- Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

- I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged - And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.

- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded - And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:

- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

- Once - he replied.

- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.

- And what did she say to you this morning?

- Don't stop.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question:

- When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

True fact.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

- Well - said Mike - You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.

The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout:

- Viva Espania!

The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream:

- Vive la France!

Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims:

- God save the Queen!

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says:

- Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.

- Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over.

The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised:

- I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.

- W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?

- Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches

- I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it.

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc:

- Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off

The doc replies:

- F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says:

- Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..

A bit bewildered, the guy answers:

- But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.

The owner quietly replies:

- Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!