Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:

- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.

His buddy said:

- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:

- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?

- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.

His friend says:

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

- So did anything happen?

- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.

- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.

- Then what happened? - says the man.

- I don't know. It was too dark to see.

- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.. Do you have a piece of gum?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

- There might be some matches in the top drawer - she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

- Is this your husband? - he inquired nervously.

- No, silly - she replied, snuggling up to him.

- Your boyfriend then? - he asked.

- No, not at all - she said, nibbling away at his ear.

- Well, who is he then? - demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied:

- That's me before the operation.

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.

- An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.

- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.

- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

- Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months - the wife says, - I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

- Then, when I get to work - she continues, - I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore.

- Yes, I see - replies the doctor.

- So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?

An old man went into confession and told the priest:

- Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.

- I see - said the priest.

- When was the last time you were in confession?

- Never, Father - replied the old man.

- I'm Jewish

- So why are you telling me?

- I'm telling everybody!

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:

- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?

- I had tolio as a child - he answered.

- You mean polio? - she asked.

- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.

- They're all lumpy and deformed!

- As a child, I also had kneasles - he explained.

- You mean measles? - she asked.

- No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

- Don't tell me - she said.

- Let me guess.. Smallcox?

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires:

- Are you looking at my pussy?

- Yes, I'm sorry - says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

- It's quite alright - replies the woman, - It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

- I can also make it wink - says the woman.

Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

- Come and sit next to me - suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Joe moves over and is asked:

- Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?

Stunned, Joe replies:

- Good grief! Can it whistle, too?

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
12. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
13. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
14. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
15. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
16. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
17. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
18. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
19. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.