Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

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Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

- Mother, where do babies come from? - The mother thinks for a few seconds and says:

- Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues:

- That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

- Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

- Well - replies Paul, - you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?

- Yes - replies Jeff with a laugh.

- Well - says Paul, straightening up, - I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.

- That's great! - says Jeff, - When are you going out?

- I went to meet her this evening - continues Paul, - but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

- Sensible - says Jeff.

- So I get to her door - says Paul, - and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.

- And what happened then?

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

- I kicked her in the face.

Checkout Line

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Signs You've Had Good Sex

  1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
  2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
  3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
  4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
  5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
  6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
  7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
  8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
  9. Boy, are you hungry!
  10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Bus Driver's Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

The Birthday Duck

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.

- See if you can get a girl in exchange for this - he said.

In town, the lad met a prostitute and said:

- It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...

- Sure - she said.

- I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck.

Afterwards, she said:

- Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck.

- Sure - said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.

When the lad returned home, his father asked:

- Well, how did you make out?

His son replied:

- Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!

Tanning on the Beach

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that.

- When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

- When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

- When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.

- When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.

- When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.

- When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.

- When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

- And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!

Letters To A Landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

- When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Across A Crowded Room

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Something Fishy

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied:

- I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.

So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said:

- That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said:

- That'll be fifty dollars.

- Fifty dollars?!?! - the woman exclaimed.

- You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!

- Yes, I did - said the owner.

- But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.