Random joke from this category
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says:
- I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.
The second guy says:
- I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids.
The third guy says:
- I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her:
- What are you?
She replies:
- I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.
- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.
- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.
- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
- Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
- Patient: Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time.
The Doctor nods.
- Doctor: Hmm.
- Patient: My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?
- Doctor: Hmm.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled.
- Patient: Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?
The Doctor sighs.
- Doctor: No. The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:
- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:
- You was right all along Missus,
- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies:
- Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?
The Teacher says:
- Of course not Johnny,
To which Johnny replies:
- Then I have definitely s**t my pants.
Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:
- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
→ She opens the car door.
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilized.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
→ The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses.
The blonde says to the redhead:
- isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?
The redhead says, yes it is.
The blonde responds by saying:
- Oh you are so lucky.
The redhead says:
- No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.
The blonde says:
- Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in?
