Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.

- Who is it?

- Blind man - came the response.

Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered:

- Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.

- I just got this amazing watch - he tells her. It can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking.

- What does it say about me? - asked the blonde.

- It says you want to sleep with me.

- Sorry - said the blonde - I think your watch is broken.

- Hmmm - said the man slowly examining the watch. It seems to be running an hour fast...

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks:

- Can I smell your Pussy?

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern:

- Of course not!

The drunk man replies.......

- Oh, then it must be your feet.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no, - he replied.

- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't, - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!!!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No, - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- One penny?!

The barman replied:

- Yes.

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?

- Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money.

- How much money?

- Four cents.

- Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?

- Upstairs with my wife.

- What's he doing with your wife?

- Same as what I'm doing to his business.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:

- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says:

- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.

Earl says:

- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:

- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!

Chester says:

- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:

- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says:

- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:

- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

- No problem! I'll write you a check!

- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner:

- Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:

- How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!

- I just had to come by - grinned the guy:

- to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!