Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

- All right! - bellowed her Mother - you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer.

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs:

- Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.

- I should hope so! - the Mother responded. The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.

- Chill Mom. - the girl said. I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said:

- White.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said:

- Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied:

- I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him...

- Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks

- USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.

- It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!

- I break for hallucinations

- My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer

- Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)

- DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!

- Nuck Fewt

- ORGASM DONOR

- My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall

- No radio. Already stolen.

- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

- So many pedestrians, so little time.

- My other wife is beautiful.

- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

- There is one in every crowd and they always find me.

- I love animals - They taste great!

- I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.

- Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!

- On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

- I'm an undertaker - responded the friend.

- That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.

- There is plenty of excitement in this racket - said his friend.

- Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat... You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question:

- What part of your body gets to heaven first?

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself:

- I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.

So she picks on Jenny first who says:

- I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.

The teacher then calls on Jim who says:

- I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself:

- Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.

She picks him and he says:

- I think your feet get to heaven first.

The relieved teacher asks him:

- Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?

Johnny says:

- Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

- All the ladies down on the floor - one handsome robber commanded.

- My grandmother too? - the little girl asked.

- Yes, your grandmother too!

- All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

- My grandmother too?

- Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

- Surely you don't mean my grandmother too? - asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted:

- YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled:

- YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

- Viagra, Home of the whopper

- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

- Accountants do it with Double Entry

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

- Ambulance drivers come quicker

- Australians do it Down Under

- Bach did it using the organ

- Bankers do it with interest

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks

- Batman does it using his Robin

- Bookkeepers do it for the record

- Bosses delegate the task to others

- Chess players check their Mates

- Cops do it with cuffs

- DJs do it on request

- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

- Dentists do it orally

- Detectives do it under cover

- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

- Elevator men do it up and down

- Engineers do it to specifications

- Engineers do it to a first order approximation

- Firemen do it with a big hose

- Frank Sinatra does it his way

- Garbagemen come twice a week

- Gardeners do it on the bushes

- Gas attendants Pump all day

- Golfers do it in 18 holes

- Landlords do it every 1st of the month

- Managers make others do it

- Marketing reps do it on commission

- Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

- Teachers do it with class

- Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

- Zoologists do it with animals

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
→ They're both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
→ Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.