Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:

- Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says:

- Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said:

- You got me out of the shower for that!

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said:

- Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

- Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

- It's a cow, teacher.

- Very good, Janie - said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

- ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!

- Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

- Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!

- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

- You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

- All stressed out and no one to choke.

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

- I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Confucius Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch:

- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says:

- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said:

- My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Sally raised her hand and said:

- My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said:

- Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly:

- My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence.

Little Johnny continued:

- But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

- Say, what's your name, mister? - she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

- It's Snow, Roy Snow, and what's yours? - he answered.

- I'm June, June Hansen - she said.

- Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? - she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

- Can you imagine what it might be like, having eight inches of Snow in June? - he countered with a question of his own.

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. - How long will Ralph be on crutches? - the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."

The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said:

- Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.

Preacher says:

- Its right in the book of Matthew. She said:

- No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!

He said, "It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!"