Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

- Listen up! - Noah said with a demanding voice.

- There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

- Quick! - he said. - Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said:

- Sorry, no land yet.

- Darn it! - exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked:

- What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

- LOOK! - said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... - I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating:

- At last they're together. At last they're together.

A mourner whispers:

- Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!

The first mourner responds:

- I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her;

- Don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man:

- I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:

- No problem!! I buy. I buy.

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man:

- I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:

- Okay, okay. I build, I build.

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:

- Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman:

- Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!

• Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
• Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
• Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
• Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
• Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
• Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
• Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
• Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
• Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
• Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
• Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
• Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
• Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
• Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
• Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
• Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
• Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
• Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
• Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
• Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
• Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
• Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
• Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
• Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
• Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
• Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
• Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
• Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
• Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
• Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
• Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
• Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
• Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
• Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
• Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
• Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
• Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
• Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
• Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
• Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
• Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
• Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:

- Hello, how's the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.