Computer Jokes — worst jokes

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.
• Big power surges knock them out for the night.
• Size does matter

User
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")

In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor
Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat
Root came sayin' I'm insane to complain
About an online wedding and a stain on my screen
Don't believe everything that you make(1)
You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fake
So write your code in Perl in the dark
Saving all your hacks for working at a tech park
Yo - punch it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Double dense floppy)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?

Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmare
Ban all the members in a phony #chat channel 'cause
One's got a handle and the other's got a .plan
One online spammed the other and ran
With the FTP and the insane print job
The daytime crap of the alt.test slob
He hung himself with a call to ping
Twenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another string
RTFM if you can't relate
Trade the Sun for a car and the Web for a date
And MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbie
That's choking on my MPEGs
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Get crazy with the caps lock)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Drive-by BIFF post)...

Yo, bring it on down...

I'm a hacker, I'm a winner
Program's gonna work, I can feel it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(I can't retrieve you)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(NULL)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Know what I'm typin'?)

Surfin' the Net

So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright

the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face

so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit

I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried

"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA,
And the NuBus,
Forever and Ever, Amen.

The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

• Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
• It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
• In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
• It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
• The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
• Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
• The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
• The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
• The only chip inside is a Dorito.
• You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow

• Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
• When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
• You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
• You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
• Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
• You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
• You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
• You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON.
• You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems.
• You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
• You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky.
• You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time."
• You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
• You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
• Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric.
• You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
• You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
• When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology.
• You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics").
• You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).

You get 75% or more of these jokes.

You know you have been on the computer too long when...

• When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the else clause.
• When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
• When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
• When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
• When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
• When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
• When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
• When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors....
• You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '', and continue writing on the next line.

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers
"Write in C."

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

{ Guitar Solo}
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.