Celebrities — worst jokes

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....
Kill A Kennedy...."

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
→ One more bullet.
→ A season lift pass.

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."

"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."

He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."

She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy."

Again he says it's a good idea and he does.

A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still don't think I've done enough."

This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

Shortest Book of the Month: Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.

After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?"
→ "She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper," replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.