Celebrities — worst jokes

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, 'Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' 'Why?' says her friend. 'Don't you have a vase?'"

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!

"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend.

"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."

Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It's her turn to guess the word.

- Voice Over: And the password is... black dick!

- Nancy: Um... is it a place?

- Her partner: No.

- Nancy: Is it a person?

- Her partner: No.

- Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I might want to eat?

- Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.

- Nancy: Is it black dick?

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

What's green and smells like pig?
→ Kermit's fingers.

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
→ Mace...

Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
→ Because she found out what the big boys eat.

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?
→ When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth'

Mickey retorted, "I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!"

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."