Celebrities — worst jokes

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
→ 1 U.S. leader

What did Bob Dole reply when asked if he preferred boxers or briefs?
→ "Depends."

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.

To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:

• "Divorce for Dummies"
• "100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
• "How to Remove Stains"

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks outside, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads "I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".

Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Do you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."

Bill sighs "bad I guess".

"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...

What's the awful news?!"

The FBI agents look at each other...

"The hand writing was Hillary's"

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?
→ They both have, "incert Bill"!