Celebrities — most commented jokes

Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
→ Because she found out what the big boys eat.

Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
what is it?
→ A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

Did you hear about the TV show with FBI agents and witches?
→ It's called The Hex-Files.

What is a witch's favourite TV show?
→ Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day?
→ A wet one.

If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called?
→ Loch Jaws.

What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
→ 'Claws.'

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Beatrice Lillie (Lady Peel) was once accosted by a haughty old dowager who scrutinized her through her lorgnettes.

"What lovely pearls, dear Beatrice," she maliciously remarked. "Are they real?"

"Yes," nodded Lady Peel.

"Of course," the dowager declared, "you can always tell real pearls by biting them. May I try?"

"Gladly," Lady Peel replied. "But remember, Duchess, you can't tell real pearls with false teeth."

How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white?
→ BLEEEEEE-YATCH!