Celebrities — worst jokes

The Taliban's Fall TV Line-up

MONDAYS:

• 8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
• 8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
• 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
• 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
• 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

• 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
• 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
• 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
• 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

• 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• 8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
• 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
• 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
• 10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:

• 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
• 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
• 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
• 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
• 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

• 8:00 - "Judge Laden"
• 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
• 9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"
• 9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
• 10:00 - "No-witness News"

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
16. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
17. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
18. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
19. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
20. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
21. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
22. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
23. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
24. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
25. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
26. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
27. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
28. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
29. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
30. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
31. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

• Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
• Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
• Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
• Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
• Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
• Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
• Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
• Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
• Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
• Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
• Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
• "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
• The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
• When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
• You realize too late that it is your father's Oldsmobile.
• Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
• The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

• The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
• The Amish Phone Directory
• Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
• George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
• French Hospitality
• Everything Women Know About Men
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
• Different Ways To Spell Bob
• Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
• America's Most Popular Lawyers
• Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
• The Wild Years-By Al Gore
• Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
• Human Rights Advances In China
• To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
• The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
• My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
• How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
• "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
• "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
• "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer
• "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
• "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.
• "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
• "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
• "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
• Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
• "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
• Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."
• James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
• Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
• "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
• "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
• Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
• "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
• "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
• "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."