Celebrities — worst jokes

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking. Hercules says, "I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."

Snow White says, "I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet."

Quasie says, "I think I'm the ugliest, meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."

The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, "It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so".

Snow White says, "It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so."

Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says, "Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?"

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio?
→ Yep, and on the window, and on the dashboard...

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":

• STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor
• BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
• HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
• DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono
• HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
• FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.
• THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
• MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
• THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
• MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
• THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
• THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - by the Ramseys
• AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
• AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
• DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
• DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
• MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
• THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
• HELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you...
Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off," the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100,000?"

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, "OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?"

Stevie replies, "I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!"

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.

The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.

The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?

"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"...

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
→ It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
→ They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
→ Yup, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
→ He thought it was a delivery service.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
→ By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.

And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances... He wants to spend more time with the kids!

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."

"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies, "Is Dorothy around?"