Celebrities — worst jokes

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

ATT announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
11. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
12. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
13. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
14. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
15. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
16. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
17. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
18. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
19. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. - Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... - Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. - Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. - John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. - Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. - Geoffrey Parfitt

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. - Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. - Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. - Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? - Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter OToole

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. - Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonnette
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. - Henry Youngman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. - Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. - John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know. - Mistinguette
Absence -- that common cure of love. - Miguel De Cervantes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. - Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. - Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. - Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' - Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. - Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. - Gwyneth Paltrow