While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...
There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said:
- That's illegal, you can't do that.
The fisherman goes:
- Really?
He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top. The game warden said:
- Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...
I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear.
The fisherman said:
- Oh, really?
He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said:
- You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?
So you don't know Jack Schitt
He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.
Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
- Young lady - said the doctor - you're pregnant.
- But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.
- Well my dear - said the doctor - someone in that colony is cockeyed.
A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says:
- I would like one of your special full English breakfasts.
- No problem. - Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.
- But I want it MY way. - says the man.
- What do you mean your way? - comes the reply.
The man says:
- well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them. - he says.
- I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans.
- I dont have the time to do all that! - came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.
- WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!! - came the reply.
An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.
The sailor sitting next to him says:
- You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?
- I fell overboard - says the Captain - and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off.
- Terrible - says the sailor.
- And what happened to your hand?
- We attacked a man-o'-war - says the Captain - and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber.
- Awful - says the sailor.
- And how did you lose your eye?
- Seagull droppings - says the Captain.
- Amazing - says the sailor.
- I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out.
- Can't - says the Captain.
- But it was my first day with the hook.
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:
- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants.
There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!!!"
YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON SHELL CASINGS
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
- Super glue is forever
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
- Pool filters do not like Jello
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on
- The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
- It will however make cats dizzy
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
