Worst jokes

A Convincing Lesson

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a big one and a small one, and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

- That's admirable - said the judge.

- And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!

- Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them:

- this is your asshole before prison......

The New Chicken Farmer

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said:

- Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens.

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said:

- Not too good. All 100 chickens died.

The neighbor said:

- Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more.

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says:

- You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.

Astounded, the neighbor asked:

- what went wrong? What did you do to them?

Well, says the new farmer:

- I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough.

Hitler's Fourth Reich

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime' interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked:

- What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?

Hitler replied:

- Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!

The journalist asked:

- ...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled:

- SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!

Good Advices

- OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

- FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

- AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

- SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

- RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Science Class Bloopers

What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

- Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

- The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

- Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

- Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

- South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

- Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

- There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

- Lime is a green-tasting rock.

- Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

- Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

- Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

- To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

- In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

- Clouds are high flying fogs.

- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

- Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

- Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

- We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

- Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

- In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

- A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

- A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

- A monsoon is a French gentleman.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

- It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

- The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Speed of Time by Age

- 0-9: Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"

- 10-19: Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

- 20-29: Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.

- 30-39: Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

- 40-49: Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?

- 60-69: Hey! What happened to 50-59?

- 70+: Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.